Divorce is one of the hardest things a person can experience. It is often filled with fear, messy emotions, complicated issues, and differences in opinions. Needless to say, it is hard for anyone to show up as her/his best self under this type of stress, fatigue, emotion, and conflict. It can be challenging to make sound decisions for yourself and your children, and it is important to recognize these decisions will affect your financial situation and relationships into the future. Muddling through a divorce process can take its toll on time and energy resources. Yet is necessary to make thoughtful, informed decisions rather than rash, short-sided decisions; even though it is common to want the whole process to be done quickly.
To finalize a divorce in the state of Minnesota requires a fully signed Judgment and Decree. This document, signed by a Judge, is an order of the court. Many people do not realize that once a divorce is final, the terms of the court order are hard or impossible to change later. Spouses sometimes assume the terms of their divorce can be adjusted later. However, while some portions of a Judgment and Decree, like sections that pertain to children, may be modifiable later, there are many financial parts that may not. If a spouse wants to make changes later, it will cost more time and money to go back to court without any guarantees that a judge will allow the desired changes at that time. People in a divorce should expect that what is put into their Judgment and Decree will stick forever.
Because a finalized divorce is permanent, knowing how to avoid making common mistakes during the dissolution process can help you make sound decisions for yourself and your family. Of course, what might be considered a mistake for one, like giving up too much money in a divorce settlement, another might think is wise because it helped end the divorce process sooner and saved everyone time, stress, and money.
I would invite you to consider that choosing to act in a way that makes the divorce process more painful, stressful, and miserable or more costly and take longer is probably a mistake. You can help minimize making painful and costly mistakes by avoiding the following:
1. Acting out of emotion
Admittedly during a divorce process acting of emotion can be hard not to do. However, when you choose to act out of emotion you are less likely to get the best result. In fact, the opposite is typically true. Divorce is often fueled by emotional mistakes people make, which can include:
- Assuming things will clear up on their own,
- Refusing to communicate with a spouse,
- Refusing to compromise with a spouse,
- Having impractical expectations,
- Wanting to or trying to “get even” with your spouse,
- Making emotional financial decisions,
- Using oral agreements instead of written agreements,
- Refusing to negotiate issues,
- Refusing to attend mediation, and/or
- Posting information on social media about your spouse or your divorce.
Making an emotional decision may feel satisfying in the moment, but ultimately could drag the process out longer and cost more time and money. Using an attorney is one of the best ways to ensure making sound decisions. If you are struggling with your emotions, then seeing a therapist is one of the best ways to help navigate the emotional roller coaster of a divorce.
2. Making your children the messenger
This mistake can have a serious impact on your children. Keeping your children out of your divorce, no matter their age(s), as much as possible is key. While it may be important for your children to know what is going on, as is developmentally appropriate, the children should never be the ones sending information back and forth between parents or hear negative talk about the other parent. Parents may divorce, but children will remain their children forever. Children can quickly feel alienated by the bad-mouthing parent or turn against their parents if they are placed in the middle.
3. Dating while getting a divorce
While it is common for people to want to make new relationship decisions while in a divorce process, this is one complication to avoid until the divorce is finalized. Making the choice to hold off on dating is in your best interest. Judges want to know that you are putting your children first and the less distraction here the better.
4. Attempting to hide information from your spouse
One of the worst mistakes (and most likely to backfire in a big way) spouses can make is deciding to attempt to hide information, documents, or assets during a divorce. Doing so can result in critical consequences. Minnesota law requires full disclosure for divorcing spouses. Be forthcoming with your attorney when it comes to information, documents, assets, and liabilities to save time, money, headaches, and potential fraud claims.
5. Glossing over important financial details
A divorce can involve quite a bit of paperwork, including important financial information. Some people, without thinking, can miss key information that needs to be included in the paperwork.
6. Getting it over with without thinking enough about your financial future
It is imperative that both spouses plan ahead to protect their financial futures, which includes securing a fair property settlement during the divorce that accounts for legal rights and a new financial situation. The financial discussion should also take into account the tax situation and retirement planning.
Effectively, a divorce creates two households out of one with the same or similar financial situation that existed during the marriage. Therefore, it becomes vital to plan ahead to protect the financial future for everyone involved, including you, your spouse, and your children.
This also includes updating your estate planning documents after the divorce is officially finalized. Life changes after a divorce is final, meaning the income you shared with your spouse will be gone, and you will need to survive on your income (which may include spousal support if it is awarded).
It is also a significant mistake to take or allow a spouse to take advantage of a financial situation in a divorce process, so making sure to protect yourself is key. An attorney and/or financial advisor can assist here. During the divorce process is also a time to consider if your normal spending habits need to change during and after the divorce to avoid potential financial ruin.
7. Fighting over the small “stuff”
Fighting over relatively inexpensive household items can be extremely costly. Give a pause if you find you are arguing with your spouse over a shovel, grill, rug, or saltshaker set, and ask yourself if it is costing more in legal fees to argue than the item being fought over. How about saving the attorney’s fees and buying a sparkly, new shovel, grill, rug, saltshaker set, or “insert item here,” instead? Likely you are not really fighting about the shovel, grill, rug, or saltshaker. Instead ask yourself, “What am I really fighting about and what really matters here?” If you are being honest with yourself, it’s likely not the “insert item here.” This is another example of when an attorney, therapist, or even a divorce coach can offer perspective and helpful advice.
8. Taking advice from friends and family
Friends and family mean well and try to be supportive when giving advice. It is natural to want to confide in those closest to us when big life events take place. Often this is a mistake during a divorce because every situation is different. The best advice will likely come from a family law attorney because your attorney understands the unique circumstances of your situation and is protecting your interests. Of course, who you choose to hire for your attorney matters. It is important for you to be forthcoming with your attorney about the situation, so your attorney knows what is happening to give you the best advice for your circumstances and all the moving parts within your divorce.
Now that I am avoiding these mistakes, what else can I do?
At Galowitz Olson, PLLC, we understand the complexities, stress, and legal processes of divorce. We are here to listen and work with you. You will need to decide if this is the best time to do-it-yourself or go-it-alone. It may not be. It can be a difficult time to make many life-changing, informed decisions when life has imploded and emotions are running at an all-time high, especially when considering a lot of legal terrain is covered during a divorce and many people find they are unfamiliar with the language. It is true that divorce can be expensive, but mistakes can be even more expensive. Not everyone needs legal representation in a divorce. We can help you determine what is likely going to be the most helpful assistance for you and work with you to get the best outcome for your unique situation.
Written by Melissa Miroslavich
The material contained herein is for informational purposes only. It does not create an attorney-client relationship between Galowitz • Olson PLLC and the reader. By viewing our blog, the reader understands that the information herein is not offered as legal advice and should not be used as a substitute for legal advice. Readers are encouraged to consult with an attorney for questions related to a specific situation or concern.
